你，我，她

Am I thinking too much? Really?  You are telling me all this because you think that I didn't try hard?

所以是替我想或替她想呢？是我知道我不比她好。不比她可愛或厲害。可是我已經盡力了。

對每一件所做的事都已經盡力了。對你，對她，對家人，對工作，對功課 都已經盡力了。

I tried and tried. Taking all the initiative, doing more than I should. But the result wasn't pretty. I am still told that I've not done enough, still blame for being me and most importantly being taken for granted. 好累！好想休息！好想逃走；逃走到一個沒有人認識我的地方。

Fooled once again

~Being Dumb

~Being Stupid

~Being Naive

~Being Fooled

~Being Used

~Being Betrayed

~Being Lied to 

~Being Blinded

~Being Hypnotist

What more can i say? 

Yes I am that dumb girl to believe that it is going to be true. 

yes i am that stupid girl who believe everything will work out for me.

yes i am that naive girl who believe that he is truthful to me. 

yes i am that girl who is fooled once again. 

 

我會怕

不知怎麼了總會感到害怕！不管做甚麼都一樣！

我知道我怕輸給人家。但是我的成績應該也不錯吧？只是輸他們。 我知道我不可以那麼的好勝。但沒辦法。我就是這樣！

i know i shouldn't felt this way but i can't help it! really can't help it :'(

劉瑞茹加油好嗎？你一定行！現在他們可能贏你，但一切不會維持那麼久！你行的！加油！

Forever hectic

SUPER DUPER HECTIC LIFEEEE!!!!!! It has been three weeks since i last sleep soundly like a baby. :( thats bad.... I did not have my beauty sleeppp!!! oh noooo~~ i am surrounded with tons and tons of homework, exams, quizes, and speech. what am i supposed to do?? HELPPP!!! well recently, things are not going that well for me. there are both bad and good news.. lets start with the bad one. hehe

Firstly, our dearest friend Caroline went back for good! FOR GOOD! I am not that close to her but i still feel sad. the times that we spent together. she is one easy going person who is hurt easily but refuses to admit. Even though i knew her for only 1 year, that 1 year makes us like a family. The times where she teaches me accounting :( that brings back memories. the time where we drank boba together. the happy times is now left with memories.. :( u will be missed Carol! Hoping to see you again!!!!



Good news is that i bought a longchamp bag. hehehe:p cos a lot but its worth it because i work hard for that :p hehhehehhe...


got to go folkss.. homework waiting quiz waiting and last but not least speech -_- dammit! HAHAHA

BA-TO-THE-COTTTTTTTT~

Hmm.. i don't get if you have lost all respect towards me because, u are worst than i do. I don't listen to one side of the story and judge. I tell everyone is partly my fault. i took all the blame. but what about ur friend? 

i threw myself to him? yes i did? certainly? you are just assuming. its up to you to be sensitive with me. because i know i do nothing wrong. the respect i showed you lessen ever since that day. i don't mine you judging me because i know i am at fault. at least i don't hurt your friend like he does to me. keeping me hanging? seriously? guys are just being guys. 

You

you left me abruptly, never know what i've ben through.
you assume everything, without knowing what's wrong.
you being selfish, not knowing how i want it to be.
you look at one side of something, without knowing the truth.
your love for me may be strong, but the words said were too harsh.
you may be jealous, but you did never know how to deal with it.
you are far away from me, but you expect so much from me.
you are always miss by me, but you make me afraid of you.
you constantly appears in my dream, but i am not able to show or tell you.
i am not perfect. i am a bitch. i make mistake. i club. i have attitude problem. i am close to guys. i a, best friend with a male. i changed. i am not as innocent as i use to be. and i seriously hate all this. but it has been done. i just hope you can accept me. how i wish i can go back to how i use to be. to that innocent girl knowing nothing but enjoy life. i hated to be like that but you make me feel more miserable of myself. i know i ignored you a lot but u are not that for me and asked me why with patience. i hate myself for changing but i can't changed back to the person i used to be. its just isn't right i know but this is how it is. i hate myself for being a perfectionist and not reaching my goal. i hate myself for knowing some of my friends here that make me who i am today. i hate that things can't be undone. i wanted to enjoy my life an accept but all this came to me. how can i not think.

Oh nooo~

Hahaha.. its been super long since i update my blogggg. hahahha.. for the past few months, life has not been good. so much happened, i do not know what i can and should do..

i am stuck in the middle. life is really complicatingg.. can i have a simple life?? i do not mean to rant i do not mean anything but seriously with all this drama, i doubt i can take itt.. :(

笨蛋

Its been long since i last update my blog! well, have been busy but sooo much things happened! so much so that it made me not able to breathe. Good and bad things come at the same time. this make me speechless and unsure.. juts hope to go home and hope everything is going to be fine...


i find myself being a stubborn person because i didn't learn my lesson. no matter how much i know it would hurt me i still give chances and making history repeat itself. dumb eh? this is jane. :( its just so hard. so hard to say no. so hard to forget. so hard to let go. :(

found out that its just a dream and that i am being make used. maybe just for pleasure eh? ha!


its time to protect myself and not hurting myself like that :( ..

刘瑞茹永远都学不乖。永远都学不会！难道你真的要他这样糟蹋你吗？不管他怎样对你，你一定会心软。为什么呢？ 天啊！！！

傻瓜！

I don't know how many times this should happens before I learn my lesson! I don't know.. really. I am a fool.  A fool that knows it is wrong to to do it but still does it! A fool who is fooled by the appearance of everything. A fool that believes what that person says. A fool that will never be smart and will never learn! :(


Lost motivation in everything again. I am pissed i am irritated with myself, disappointed in myself! i can't seem to do anything right..... :(

Its me

People do judge me. I know. I mean everyone does isn't? You go to mall and saw this weird person walk past you and you will start talking about it if you are with your friends. If you are not with your friends, you will still think about it. Everyone judge and also no one is perfect. Different people have different personalities. people know this but why people still judge.. weird eh? i am one of them though i admit.. i talk about others so i am prepared for others to talk about me. However, one thing is that i would forgive and forget. i won't make fun of them in public. i know its fun to make annoy and irritate people but sometimes when you are in a bad mood, nothing seems fun -__-

my friends keeping talking about things that had happened in spring, aren't you guys tired about it? seriously.. i am tired about it already, its not that i can't take joke but you guys are being over.. too much! yes i know of all people, i am the who can be bullied easily. but i have feelings too. u guys don't know me don't judge me!

Because of you

You are the one causing me to have sleepless night. You are the one causing me to be so tired, making me not in the mood to do anything.. do you know that? i guess not..

In an instance, everything change. You treated me differently, tell them the wrong thing, make them judge me in the wrong way.. damn itt! its been almost a week since we talked and see each other. what is it going to be? maybe its time to let go of something and someone whom u cared alot. or maybe i should give up and end the suffering that i am going through. seriously. i do cherish this relationship but problems keep coming up and we can't seem to find an agreeing term :(. he has his own thinking and perception and same goes to me. we are too different. different in a way that drift us a part. He don't see it but i do. I do not wnat history to repeat itself. i  don't want whatever happened in spring happened again in fall. please, i am afraid. afraid of what the future, afraid of you, afraid of being hurt again.

you asked why would i be hurt.. is that something you need to ask? sighh.. how i wish i do not need to think about this problems which make me can't sleep and eat well.. dammnnn it! sighhh


我不想長大。不想面對一些讓人心痛的事。不想讓人對我有不好的看法。不想離家太遠。不想每天自己在房間裡只是對著電腦和四面牆。。。

Crying is part of me

Had an argument again. i cried so badly cos of him again :( it has been 3 days since i cried for him. please i hope eveyrthing will be fine tomorrow.. i don't want anymore argument. i am both mentally and physically tired....someone save me :(

Unexpected things happen...

yesterday was a happy day but before the happy part, we argued :( i cried badly.. my plans of studying was cancelled cos i cried too badly that i could not study :(.. Merline watch me cry tho. hahah:p 

anyway, lets forget about the crying part.. hahahha:p 

Me and the indos went out todayy!! first to shop and then eat too celebrate my very belated birthday :D. i seriously had fun yesterddayy :D 

First, me wendra, febri, kevin itine stephanie and akira went to eat dimsumm.. yummmmmyyy :D hehe.. then we went to victoria garden to shop.. i spent on quite a few stuff.. oopss..mom and dad is going to kill me if they know. huahahahah:p coach bag and bangle, aldo shoe and ring, urban outfitters scarf and sweater, cotton on jacket.. hehe.. seriously when i am stress or upset, i will shop till i drop.. shop till my wallet is left with a big hole.. huahahahha:p well now i feel the pinch though.. hahah.. 

After shopping for few hours, its time to eat.. which means the celebration of my birthday :D teeheee.. 

I treated them to Banana bay. There are 13 of us, Itine, Febri, Ivy, Ata, Stephanie, Felicia, me, Chis, Wen wen, Bobby, Kevin, Michael, and Akira. And again, they prank on me -__- (as always) hahaha:p 

Banana Bay is a thai resto, normally at night, there would be a singer to entertain the customers, today, Chris and Kevin told the waitress about my birthday and so after the meal, the singer came to me with a ice cream and candle on it. oh my that is the most awkward moment where i am the attention of  the whole resto.. But i had fun though.. haha. i have a group of lovely friends :D seriously i love them.. can't do without them but as always, friends do have conflicts. hehe..

after this we took tons of picturee!! hahaha.. then we went to another place to eat shave ice cream.. damnn.. imagine its so cold and we were eating ice -__-. hahhahaha:p but we had fun taking pics and talking.. its been long since we had this gathering.. hohohoh.. thanks friends:D 

                                            

               

                                                          Ice Cream from Banana Bay 

                                             
                                             This is what i mean.that awkward momenttt..

I love my babes and friends :D 

Relieveddd!

Oh myyy!! I have been trying to complete my English essay for like the past few days, and it is finally donnee!! yay!  i mean with the points and arguments but not the Introduction and Conclusion. heheheh:p It is still better than nothing though. Its not easy to complete  that essay.. I am proud of myself  (oops:p).

Today, Atha, Ivy, and me woke up at around 5 plus and went to school for the teacher to comment on our essay :D the professor says mine was good! hahaha.. *happyy happyy* (btw, my professor os HHOOOTT! hahahah:p) when i heard the professor says mine was good, i felt a sudden of relieved (pheww) cos, this shows that my hard work pays offff.. wooohooooo!!

i seriously gave to stop now. i have class to go.. teehee~ :D

:(

突然感到非常难过。。超想家的。。。 我要回家。。 面对不了明天所会发生的事情。面对不了以后会发生的事情，面对不了一切的一切。 有些时候会问自己到底怎么了，但永远都找不到答案。永远都想不到更好的理由继续一切。不在家的感觉非常不好受。真的不好受。很想放弃现在所拥有的。不是不珍惜，而是后悔自己所做出的决定。感觉上都做错决定了怎么办呢？ 我需要答案但一定有是找不到的答案。累了:(

Bacot person!

OMG, i am so irritated right now! damn you! yes my indo language isn't good. yes i am bad at indo. so what? and i did not ask it in the wrong way mr perfect! so much going on in just a moment! seriously is just a m-o-m-e-n-t! i regret what i did last time with you! you are not worth anything from me asshole! I won't say i hate you cos the opposite of hate is love, so i will just say screw you ! i did so much wrong to deserve thisss:( i hate it here! wanna disappear from this place now!



and also we argued:( damnn... i got a little jealous with his cousin i mean cos by looks of course i am nothing compared to her. he make me insecure! damn! life is hard for me. what is this!!!! please i just wanna go home! i just want a simple life is that wrong to have? :( sigh

friends, family, bf? damn!


i always try to see the positive side of everything but i always failed to do so :(

Last Day of the week

Today is the day! last day of the week.. i can relax a littleee:D Seriously it has been a long week filled with exams, quizzesss, homework assignment esssaysss.. damnnn.. :( though its the last day of the week, i still need to do my work tomorrow morning. i am going to wake up early tomorrow morning and complete as many assignment i could.. sigh.. when can life be a little easier for me? i am seriously not complaning. i am contended with whatever i had. serious!sometimes life's hard. Whatever it is, i will try my best to do the best and not let anyone look down on me! jia you!!!



P.S  i miss my secondary school life with my classmates and the prefects:( the innocent time of me i guess.. hahha.. i hope time can stop just for a little longer...

LaZy lAzY

Today i don't feel like doin anythhin!! i just wanna lay in my beddd.....

nah, i can't do that.. i have class that ends at 9.30 today but it is gonna be the last day of the weeek.... wooottsss! hahaha,, suffer for another 12 hours and out i go! haha..

Okay, Jane, please don't be lazy! please be hardworking! pls do what u need to do . please don't let anyone look down on u. please don't disappoint everyone. pleaseee...

一切的一切都要加油！天下无难事！加油！
不要轻易放弃，否则对不起自己！ 加油刘瑞茹！

Life

Life is dramatic eh? Or maybe i should say mine is dramatic-__-. Many say that it is better to have a dramatic life with many things going on rather than having a peaceful life with nothing really remarkable going on. To me, i just want that simple life with my friends and family thats it. is that the hardest thing that i can wish and hope for? Maybe yes.. Living in the United States makes life dramatic; in terms of friends and family-- problems so arise with friends when u see them almost everyday. sigh, seriously, whatever happened in my life makes me don't feel like doing anything. i mean i lost my drive in working hard and achieving the best. I don't know what is going on to me but i cant help it but be lazy... i hope i can be the normal me again. it sucks to know that i am changing into someone that i don't want to be.

Friends say i change, but do you guys know that i hate myself so much? I hate that i change into someone who is in patient, i hate that i change into someone who is lazy, i hate that i change into someone who do things slowly, i hate that i started to ignore what others think about me, i hate that i am not the jane 2 years ago. who knows all this? none.. who knows what i am really thinking? none. even you are like that :( it hurts to know and see this but who can help me? none:(


How i wish i didn't do anything i regretted, how i wish people don't judge on me based on something stupid i did, how i wish life can be simple, how i wish i can turn back time and undo the things that i should not have done :( how i wish.......

Wonderringgg

Damn its been long since i updated my blogg.. hahaha:p seriouslyy i need to get used to bloggingg. hahaha:p 

its been a busy week with exams and quizzes and homework and exam and quizzes againn.. so tired.. have not got enough sleep.. looking like a ppaannddaa.. if u know what i mean. haha ;p 

people might think why i had a blog without any followers, well because i wanna make it more personal. more private to myself and allowing only certain people read like merline! HAHAHAHA. well it doesnt matter how many people is following me. as long as i can vent my anger and show my feelings, i am fine with it :D